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By Lord Sargas
Disclaimer: The Star Wars Universe and its residents are the property of George Lucas, new characters created here are the property of the author.
Number 6 was taking one of his usual walks in the village square. As was typical in the Village, the sun was shining. There never seemed to be any rain here, which didn’t make it any easier for Number 6 to figure out where on the Earth the Village was. Was it run by the British government? The United Nations? Number 6 was not his real name, of course. In this place, they took your name and gave you a number. Number 6 was known by many names in many parts of the world. His name was Butt Munch Smith in Canada.
As Number 6 was there looking out at the sea, a shadow covered him. There was a tall man clad in black armor and a flowing black cape. His mask looked like Death. His breathing came out of a filter sounding like a ghost coming back from the grave seeking vengeance upon the world. Number 6 asked him, “Who are you?”
“I am Darth Vader, and I’m going to kick your butt so hard it will turn inside out and come out of your mouth!” He took out a small cylinder, and pushed a button and a beam of red light shot forth. “This is my lightsaber, and I shall take your head off and put it above my fireplace!” Number 6 took out a regular sword and farted on it. The sword was now covered in fire.
“And this is my fire sword, you bunghole!”
As the two men prepared to fight to the death and some nachos, a small teenager with a shirt reading ‘Metallica’ and the shirt was pulled over the top of his head. “I am Cornholio! I need T.P. for my bunghole!”
Darth Vader asked, “What is a bunghole?”
Cornholio picked his nose and said, “You’re a bunghole, bunghole!”
Number 6 started to cry and said, “When I was a kid, my pet alligator ate my bunghole, and now I have no bunghole!”
Darth Vader said, “Wait, wait, wait! Are we going to fight or what? I have to go watch Judge Judy in about ten minutes. Let’s go!”
Number 6 struck out with his fire-sword. “You can’t win, Vader. You smell like an elephant’s butt.”
Vader kicked 6 in the ribs. “I shall hurt you for saying that to me. My favorite animal in the galaxy is the elephant, so don’t talk smack about elephants!” Vader swung the lightsaber towards 6’s neck. Number 6 blocked it with a skilled move. Cornholio kept watching rambling on about his bunghole.
The duel lasted for almost a half hour. The citizens of the village watched with little real interest, for their spirits had long since been broken.
Number 2 ran up and yelled at them. “Why are you two fighting! You are Number 6 and must set an example.”
Number 6 slapped Number 2 in the ear and yelled, “I am not a number. I am a free man!”
Vader asked, “What is my number then?”
Number 2 said, “You are Number 211949174319472570!”
Vader asked why his number was so stupid. Number 2 said, “Because Luke Skywalker kicked your butt aboard the second Death Star. You don’t deserve a better number, you fart-knocker.”
All the citizens of the village came from their houses and started singing the hit disco song YMCA.
Suddenly there was an explosion in the Green Dome. Thousands of Teletubbies came running out with machine guns, shooting at everyone. Vader took off his mask and showed his face. Number 6 yelled out in terror. “Oh no, it’s Barney!”
Darth Barney stared singing now. “I love Sith, Sith loves me. Let’s go and kill everybody.”
Number 6 took off his sunglasses. “Forget this. I’m outta here. Be seeing you!” He started running and found a secret hidden path that led from the Village to a McDonald’s in Dallas, TX at the corner of Trinity Mills and Midway.
Barney Vader took his saber and claimed the head of Number 2. Barney Vader felt someone tap his shoulder. He turned and saw a man dressed in similar clothes as Number 2. “Who are you?”
“I am the new Number 2.”
Barney Vader scratched his head. “Who is Number 1?”
“You are Number 211949174319472570.”
Barney Vader grabbed Number 2 by the throat and yelled, “Who gave me that stupid number?”
“That would be telling.” With that, Barney Vader took the head from the new Number 2. “I am not a number! I am a Sith Lord!“ It was then that he heard mechanical breathing behind him. He turned to see the real Darth Vader.
“You‘re a Sith wannabe, you imposter.”
Barney Vader stumbled over his words in terror. “But you’re dead!”
“Well, yes. Anakin Skywalker died over Endor on the second Death Star. But his dark side abilities were so strong that I, Vader, was a separate spirit from Anakin’s. Didn’t you read ‘The Spirit Lives On’ by Lord Yoakum on Fanfix.com?”
Barney Vader shook his head. “No, it’s 1967. The internet hasn’t been invented yet. And I don’t think Lord Yoakum is going to be born until 1975. And wait, what is Fanfix.com?”
Darth Vader sat on a bench. “OK, you know about all that stuff that hasn’t happened yet, but you know that they aren’t supposed to happen yet, and you happen to know when Lord Yoakum is born, even though it is a decade away from now?”
Laughing, Barney Vader said, “Yeah, well, it’s like a paradox or something. Oh well, I guess I am the new Number 2 now.” It was the last thing he said before Darth Vader stabbed him in the head.
“No, I, am, the new Number 2.”
A voice shouted out. “Not if I can help it!” Within seconds, hundreds of Teletubbies attacked Darth Vader. Cornholio stood on the top of a box of apples and smiled. “The time of numbers is at an end, as is this idiotic village. Soon, I will be ruler of this pathetic world.”
After Darth Vader was eaten by the Teletubbies, Cornholio led them out into the world and took over the whole planet. Storming the UN, the Teletubbies ate everyone inside. Cornholio was pleased. He then named himself Emperor Cornholio and he had everyone’s bunghole taken off. The world then entered a 1000-year period of tyranny, dictatorship, and a lack of T.P. Number 6 was soon captured and made into Cornholio’s houseboy. Soon after, Cornholio met and married Salla Zend, and hired Ephant Mon as his accountant. He sent a fleet of warships to Naboo and had his troops slaughter all the Gungans with hatchets. And the Village was bombed with seventeen nuclear bombs.
But all that would change one day, a millennium later, when the Promised One came and challenged Emperor Cornholio.
The End???